Venting post

[stormkeeper_lovesall]

 
If you can read this, it is definitely not you. Person referenced below is not on DW.

*Big sigh*. I may have mentioned that 3 fandom friends are coming in April to stay with me for a bit. Been fandom friends with them for a while, and 2 of them are traveling a long distance to get here. 

One of them, who I have mentioned before and will refer to as M....I just don't know,

She's always so negative. And for a few reasons, I don't feel she's been much of a good friend lately. 

Well. It feels good to write it so plainly. Maybe that's all I need to do. Write it down, be aware that I feel that way. Try not to feed into it, and also lower my expectations of the friendship, though I feel I've done that at least once before. 

Recognize that maybe she's hurting and that's why she's been so negative. Recognize that you can't cure or fix people. Maybe try again to be supportive for her though honestly I feel like I am the only one tending this friendship garden.

So yeah. That's where this is at. I have no idea what she'll be like IRL - though the 2 others who are coming have hung with her and stayed with her. I want to reach out to one of the other two and bring this up, but that's a very Bad Idea and I won't do it. So I vent here. 

Okay. Be patient with her when she's here in April. Keep expectations of this friendship low, starting (or restarting) now. If she's negative and complaining, she's negative and complaining - and I can't fix that. I can just be me. Be positive and patient and understand that I might feel this way about this person for a while. Perhaps she needs to go, in my mind, from "fandom bestie" to "fandom acquaintance who is sometimes friendly".

Added in later, just for myself. In summary. M is not putting much effort into this friendship and she's negative/not great energy. Accept it, recognize it, and decrease my own engagement here. Be kind but slowly back away. Don't be surprised like I was the past couple years when she hasn't sent a Christmas or birthday gift. We are friendly acquaintances but she ain't my fandom bestie. Perhaps she never really was "all that". I remember we co-wrote a fic together about 3 years ago. I liked the process but also remember how she'd complain about how slowly it was going and then pick apart my segments....she didn't make it easy. Maybe I've always wanted more than she could give. Maybe I just need to be honest about the situation. What's the difference between M and a good friend? After all, I don't expect most or any of my friends to read my fanfic. Well, in contrast, Ann (hi, Ann!) doesn't read my fic and I don't expect her to, but she does express happiness for me when I say something like "I got 100 kudos on my latest!" M can't seem to do that. Not without grousing about how she has no motivation to write and then poo-pooing anything I say to try to shore her up. That's the difference between a good friend and M. (And yeah, maybe M doesn't want shoring up. Maybe she just wants space to vent. She could still try to muster up some enthusiasm for her fandom friends though).

I want(ed) more from M than she was willing and/or able to give.

Okay, that was a shit summary. :) Guess I just needed to write more about this.

Comments

[nytshd3]

It really sucks getting to this point in a friendship, and even harder when they're kind of... entangled in your friend group. Some people are just very negative and just can't get out of that stage. If you're happy, they're annoyed that they don't have what you have or that they're struggling with what you've accomplished. If you're upset/frustrated, they obviously have it MUCH harder than you, or what they've been through is much worse than what you've been through. It can be exhausting. You're right, though, you can't fix or change it, all you can do it adjust your own expectations and behavior around it. Hopefully since all three of them will be there, you'll still be able to have fun

[stormkeeper_lovesall]

Exactly - I can adjust my expectations and behavior, and that is really the only thing I can control in this. I can also remind myself to stop wishing that M behaved differently.